The Edge Of Destruction
by Fatal
Summary: One Shot Days after Sirius' death, Remus faces the toughest decision of his life. As he struggles about what to do, memories from his past, as well as the one he loves, help him make his final choice.


He stared down the neck of the bottle, settling with the resolution that he'd be spending another night piss-drunk, just as he'd spent every night since Sirius had died.

As much as Remus loved life, he could barely imagine living soberly without Sirius. A thought that made him laugh, because in their younger years, the two could barely imagine living soberly, but that had just been for fun.

Now it was serious, more serious than anything he'd ever lived through before, including the months following the deaths of James, Lily and Peter. Now, Remus knew he'd never get Sirius back.

Unless…

He looked down to the table and saw the tiny object lying there. The one thing that could bring Sirius back, but he knew the risks that ran along with that hope.

He looked across the table into the face of Tonks. The woman he'd recently taken as his mate, the woman who'd sat with him every night since Sirius' death.

The woman who was not giving him that familiar, disapproving glare that he always received from her whenever he glanced at the Time Turner.

"Remus, honey, I told you I'd stand by your side no matter what, and I intend to do that, but that Time Turner is becoming an obsession for you. It's not healthy, Remy; obsessions can be fatal. I know you miss him, he was your best friend, but that doesn't change that he's gone. Nothing changes that."

"This can change it, Tonks. I can go back and stop the whole thing. I can change everything!"

"But there's a time when you know it's wrong, Remus. When you realize that changing it all changes what we have right now…"

Remus sighed and took another swig of Fire Whiskey. She was right about one thing; the two of them would be changed. But wasn't having Sirius back worth that? Wasn't having Sirius back worth losing the few days she'd spent with him while he drunkenly grieved for his best friend?

Tonks sighed, realizing that Remus didn't have anything to say to her, or, at least, nothing he hadn't said in the past couple of nights. She stood up and walked around the table and gently kissed him on the cheek. If he weren't drunk, and almost depressed, she would have kissed him on the lips, but she knew that wasn't appropriate at the current time.

In return, he put his bottle down and wrapped his arms around her waist, letting the deliciously intoxicating small of her fill his nose. He pulled her close, never wanting to let her go.

Let her go the way he'd let Sirius go to the Ministry of Magic that night.

With his face pressed into her side he began to cry. She frowned as his body began to shake and the muffled sounds of the grown man crying reached her ears. She would have given anything to be able to stop his pain. Of course, she could stop it all, but she had been warned, by the one other person who knew that Remus had the Time Turner, not to take that decision from him.

Albus Dumbledore had told her what to do. He'd made the decision so easy for her, but he refused to help Remus make the right decision. She supposed that it was because he secretly hoped Remus would use the Time Turner, because he'd loved Sirius as much, if not more, than everyone else had.

Remus finally let her go and went back to his bottle. She sighed and went to the bed, telling him that he knew where to find her it he needed anything.

Remus sat drinking until he heard her deep breathing, assuring him that she was asleep. Then, he picked up the Time Turner and headed to the one room in the house that calmed him and enraged him at the same time. It was the one room where his emotions and logical thoughts collided with equal force, the one room where he'd never expect anyone else in the house to go. The room where he'd spent every night since Sirius' death all alone.

Sirius' bedroom.

Some nights, he just lay on the bed and thought or cried, but he rarely ever slept. Some nights he went through the objects in the room, laughing or frowning with each memory the things brought him.

That had been the great thing about Sirius; he'd kept everything. Ever since he escaped from Azkaban he'd kept everything. Remus knew that it was because Sirius had forgotten everything, and there were no returned memories that he took for granted, which was why he kept _everything_.

That night, Remus sat on the bed, staring at the Time Turned in his hands. There were very few things keeping him from using it, and those things included Tonks and one memory he held very close and dear to his heart.

_Sirius lay lazily on the coach; laughing hysterically at the very lame joke about talking muffins that Remus had just told him. Remus smiled smugly, only Sirius would appreciate a joke as lame as that._

_When Sirius finally stopped laughing, he sat up and looked very earnestly at his friend, who was busy building a house of cards on the oak coffee table in front of him._

_"This is what I missed in Azkaban, Remus; us – me and you – laughing and having fun. Having fun the way that Harry and his friends should be. There's just so much on his shoulders that keeps him from living, though…"_

_Remus put the cards down, and surveyed the well-built structure before him. It was excellent, built with hours of loving patience that only he could manage. However, he could always take a break from his building for Sirius._

_"I lost twelve years of my life, we lost twelve years of friendship, and I don't want the same things to happen to Harry."_

_"None of us do, Sir. We all want him to live as completely normal as he can. But we've talked about this before, so I know it's not what's on your mind."_

_"You're right, it's not. You know me too well, old friend. Here's the thing, I won't be around forever. Harry's going to need a mentor, someone to look up to."_

_"None of us will be here forever, Sir. That's something that Harry has to realize and understand." Remus sighed._

_"I know that, Rem, but it's a different thing with Harry. He's going to need someone if anything happens to me. He'll need someone to rely on for advice and what to do. He'll need someone to express emotions to when he's at his lowest. There'll be some things that Ron and Hermione won't be able to help him with, thing they won't have the slightest clue about what to do. He'll need a father figure, Rem."_

_"And that's you, Sirius. You're the only one who could ever replace James, and you know that. Nothing will happen to you here. Dumbledore would never sell you out the way that Peter turned James and Lily over to Voldemort. As long as you stay here, Sir, you're safe." Remus refuted as he looked back down to his house of cards._

_"I don't want to stay here forever, Remus. I **can't** stay here forever, letting everyone else fight the war. Besides, I want to be able to help Harry, and I can't do that from here. I have too much pizzazz for someone who's locked inside all the time and you know that. And you know I can better help the order if I'm out fighting than if I'm sitting around inside cleaning and chasing a House-Elf." Sirius growled, the dog in him suddenly very evident._

_"But if you do, you'll be in danger of death. You're afraid of what Professor Trelawny told you. However, I wouldn't believe anything that that old bird has to tell anyone. You know she is always predicting everyone's premature death." Remus laughed, knowing for a fact that she predicted the death of one of her students at the beginning of every term._

_Sirius smiled, but continued on in a more serious manner. "I know, old friend, but that doesn't change the fact that if I leave I'll be in danger. We'll all be in danger." He paused, and Remus was sure he was just doing it for effect._

_"If anything happens to me, Remus, promise me that you'll take care of Harry."_

_"Sirius, nothing…"  
_

_"Promise me, Remus!"_

_"Of course I promise, but nothing's going to happen to you."_

Remus wanted to keep his promise to Sirius, and he knew that he could. How often had he looked in on Sirius and Harry having a heart-felt conversation, wishing that he could offer Harry that advice? Wishing that Harry would come to him for help?

He had that chance now, and he had it because his best friend had died. He had it because he'd made a promise that he'd hoped he'd never have to keep, and now that he had to, he'd do anything to make it so that he didn't.

He looked at the Time Turner again; the thing had become one of his demons, an addiction that was slowly eating away at him. It was, as Tonks had said, an obsession that could very well become fatal.

It was in that moment that he knew he had to decide. He could use it, and stop all the pain, or, he could get rid of it and live happily with Tonks for the rest of his life. He had to decide, because if he spent the rest of his life brooding over the fucking thing, he would become a shell of his former self.

A shell much like Sirius had become during his years in Azkaban.

He twisted the slim silver chain in his hands, wishing desperately for someone to help him make the decision.

Suddenly, from behind him, a voice spoke out in anger.

"While you're at it, Remus, why don't you just go and get Ali back, too? Why not? You can save what you had with Sirius, why not go back much farther and get Ali back, too?"

"Jesus, Tonks, you scared the hell out of me!"

"You deserve it, Remus. You need some sense talked into you!'

Suddenly, Remus understood why Tonks was so insistent that he shouldn't use the Time Turner; she thought he'd take it too far. She thought he'd realize he could change so much from his past. She was afraid that he'd find the appeal of his first love, Ali, much stronger than the appeal that she had over him.

But she was wrong; Ali had made it obvious that she couldn't live with him as long as he was going to dwell over Sirius. She had made it obvious almost fifteen years ago…

_Ali and Remus stood in another stare down, the two lovers locked in a battle that neither could fully understand, and neither of them could end it without ending the relationship between them._

_"You don't get it, Remus, you just don't get it!" Ali screamed at the werewolf, as she turned and started throwing objects off the table._

_"Don't get what? What is it that I don't get, Ali? That I don't get what your problem is?" Remus yelled back, rushing at her, and grabbing her arms with his hands._

_"You know what my problem is, Remus, what you don't understand is your own problem." Ali whispered, tears streaming down her face, as she fought to get away from the man she had loved for so many years._

_"I don't have a problem." Remus snarled, letting her go._

_"Yes, you do, Remus, you do. You think that you can go to him; you think that you can change him. You can't do that, Remus! He's a traitor, and you have to accept that! You have to accept that he betrayed James and Lily, and that he killed Peter! You have to accept that he's not your friend anymore!"_

_Remus stood in silence, his mouth opened in a small 'O,' as he tried to work out what Ali was telling him. "No, you're wrong." He finally muttered. "He was tricked, Sirius would never do anything like that. He's too good hearted, he cared to much about them, about me."_

_"That's where you're wrong, Remus, and until you realize that, I can't be with you. I can't stay with someone who's going to obsess over something like that. You'd go crazy if I didn't agree with everything you said, and I can't agree because none of it's true. I'm sorry Remus, but as long as you think you can bring him back from the dark side, then I can't be with you." Ali murmured, as she walked past Remus, leaving the man standing in shocked silence, with tears streaming down his face._

Suddenly, Remus realized his mistake all those years ago. He'd lost her because he'd believed he could change things. He looked at the young woman with pink hair in front of him and thought about how much he loved her.

He wouldn't let her go the way he'd let Ali go. He wouldn't lose her because he couldn't come to grips with reality. He wouldn't lose her because he loved her so much.

He wouldn't use it, because that would take away then those few days they'd shared together all alone since Sirius' death. Even if they had been bad days, he cherished every single moment of them, because he's spent them with her.

Sirius was gone; he had understood that the whole time, what he hadn't realized was that Sirius was free from everything now. A freedom that Remus knew Sirius would love, because he didn't have anything to worry about. In his death, he escaped everything in life that was haunting him, and he knew there was someone to look out for Harry.

Yes, Remus would leave the past as it was, and look only to the future; his future with the beautiful, young woman who now stood at his side, looking at his face with genuine concern.

He tucked the Time Turner into his pocket, because he knew that somewhere out there, there was someone else who needed to have it in his or her hands to make the right decision.

He looked into Tonks' eyes and smiled warmly. He put his arms around her waist for the second time that evening, and mumbled "You brought me back from the edge of destruction when I couldn't see past my own emotions. For that, I will always love you."

Tonks smiled, tears running down her own face, because she knew that even though he still loved Sirius, his love for her was just as great, and that would keep him strong enough to live without his best friend.


End file.
